2017 NHL Entry-Level “Mock” Mock Draft: First-Round

This isn’t a real mock draft. If that’s what you came here for, you’re in the right place but it won’t be posted until later this week because I keep second-guessing all of my picks, I’m sorry. This mock mock draft was a lot easier to put together. It’s basically a list of what each team needs (or what I would give each team if I had the choice). Enjoy!

  1. New Jersey Devils – Nico Hischier and Nolan Patrick because I can’t choose and I don’t want the Flyers to pick either of them. A Stanley C*p. Really nice all-black jerseys with red and white highlights, with the same iconic Devils logo. Maybe some arena upgrades even though I love The Rock with all my heart. So basically the Devils get whatever they want.
  2. Philadelphia Flyers – a lump of coal, to be honest, and they definitely don’t get Nolan or Nico.
  3. Dallas Stars – Band-Aids because it feels like their team is always plagued with injuries. Maybe an on-site nurse. Or a permanent First-Aid kit in every player’s locker.
  4. Colorado Avalanche – I’d bake them a giant cake. I’d also get them a time machine so they can travel to the future to when they make the playoffs and don’t finish at the bottom of the league every year.
  5. Vancouver Canucks – a new logo. Get the Sedin twins blue and green hair dye so we can tell them apart; name tags won’t work. Also, let’s bring the green men back.
  6. Vegas Golden Knights – personalized shot glasses, cocktail shakers, feather boas, and masquerade masks. What, were you expecting something else?
  7. Arizona Coyotes – the Yotes need a vacation but I’m a broke college student so a staycation sounds much more appropriate. We can set up a few giant inflatable pools in someone’s backyard, make homemade cocktails (and mocktails for the young ‘uns), maybe set up a slip n’ slide or something, and barbecue everything possible.
  8. Buffalo Sabres – practice bubbles so no one gets hurt, especially Tyler Ennis, and maybe a #1 draft pick? At some point? That’d be nice.
  9. Detroit Red Wings – Zetterberg needs to be appreciated more. Their locker room gets an octopus tank with real live octopi in it. They also receive an endless amount of stuffed octopi toys.
  10. Florida Panthers – the fountain of youth for Jagr. How does he look so young? Why does Ekblad look like he’s in his 30s? The arena also gets cute little potted palm trees and house plants; they’ll look nice. We’ll also set them all up with retirement plans to stay in Florida, except for Jagr who’s never going to need one.
  11. Los Angeles Kings – you know how you can ship your enemies glitter? Yeah, that’s what the Kings get. Just an endless amount of glitter that gets everywhere and you keep finding it in places for months.
  12. Carolina Hurricanes – a rink with ice that actually stays frozen. Their alternate jerseys have to become their regular jerseys (can you tell I have a thing for mostly black sweaters?) and they need a Captain because none of them should be running (skating?) around unsupervised. Also, free ice skating lessons courtesy of Jeff Skinner.
  13. Winnipeg Jets – a new logo would be nice. Maybe a new mascot too.
  14. Tampa Bay Lightning – Stamkos needs a practice bubble. They also get socks and sandals, Hawaiian shirts, and an endless supply of those little cocktail umbrellas. They also get three walkie talkies: one for Bishop, one for Drouin, and one for the rest of the team so that they can stay in touch. Their slogan is now also “ride the lightning”, bye.
  15. New York Islanders – a new arena. I mean, they could stay in Brooklyn, or they could move around New York to Long Island, or maybe upstate New York. Or what about Connecticut? They could use a hockey team. Hmm.
  16. Calgary Flames – Gaudreau needs a personal assistant and a nutritionist. Their mascot also gets an upgrade. Seriously, your mascot is a hound and no one thought of making it a hellhound? You’re the Flames. 
  17. Toronto Maple Leafs – the oldest members of the team, McElhinney and Lupul, get a trip to a mountain lodge spa resort-type thing somewhere because of all the shenanigans they have to put up with. Maybe some kid leashes. Also, ice cream cake. Ice cream cake for everyone.
  18. Boston Bruins – stilts for everyone on the team except for Zdeno Chara, so they don’t strain their necks looking up at him. High heels would work too but I don’t know if you would find any big enough for hockey players.
  19. San Jose Sharks – the Sharks get beard care products. They also need to change their name to the Screaming Squids, which sounds slightly cooler than the Sharks. And instead of the Shark Tank, you’d have the Squid Tank. And fans can throw squids on the ice! Just kidding, I don’t condone that. Please don’t do that.
  20. St. Louis Blues – the Blues are the oldest team in the NHL without a Cup so I’d get them a replica Stanley Cup cake to help them eat their feelings.
  21. New York Rangers – nothing. They get absolutely nothing. Except for Brady Skjei, who gets a flower crown.
  22. Edmonton Oilers – a better, less terrifying mascot. I mean, have you seen Hunter? Jesus. Their Captain, Connor McDavid, could also use a spa day; somebody get that boy a massage. Oh, and they get a curse too: no more first overall picks as long as they shall remain a franchise. I’ve had enough.
  23. Arizona Coyotes (from MIN) – maybe a second staycation. Or a permanent staycation. They probably also need a lifetime supply of sunscreen. And maybe new golf clubs.
  24. Columbus Blue Jackets – something to replace the cannon, maybe an air horn or a whistle or something less noisy? And friendship bracelets for Alexander Wennberg and William Karlsson.
  25. Montréal Canadiens – a new GM. Sorry, Bergevin, you’ve gotta go.
  26. Chicago Blackhawks – I thought I’d be nice and say “more cap space” but nah. I’d send Jonathan Toews a fruit basket.
  27. St. Louis Blues (from WSH) – another Stanley Cup cake, or like, mini cakes that resemble pucks. We could play Russian Roulette but with the cakes and one of them has jalapeños or something else baked into it. I’m sure Tarasenko would love it.
  28. Ottawa Senators – an endless supply of shampoo and conditioner for Karlsson’s hair, and participation trophies for everyone on the team.
  29. Dallas Stars (from ANA) – Tyler Seguin gets a gift basket with red popsicles and rubber duckies. Him and Jamie Benn also get friendship bracelets.
  30. Nashville Predators – a Preds and Puppies calendar shoot. Tell me you wouldn’t buy a calendar with Roman Josi (July) and P.K. Subban (June) holding puppies. They also get guitars so they can start a country band; we just have to find someone on the team who can sing (Mike Fisher?).
  31. Pittsburgh Penguins – they could probably use a trophy cabinet but it’ll be one from Ikea. They could also use an endless supply of hangover cures and maybe some anti-aging cream.

And there you have it! Hope you enjoyed this post! Special shout out to Jay, who helped me put this list together; I love you and I appreciate you more than you know!

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